Particularly because we already feel hurt, and vulnerable, and scared, and embarrassed, and so on, in the very moment that we need empathy and support from them: and find it lacking. Sometimes it's commitment to dinner hour where you discuss things together (rather than eating alone). Although I'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. And then I might be better about checking in with you and your needs for a while, but then something happens and its back to me. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. That's his job. (he can't) He pinches pennies, in trying to fix something that he's usually broken himself, but then it ends up costing us double or triple in do-overs. You cant expect people to stop. If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. So i'm just learning but this is an ADHD trait? Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. Yep. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. I'm feeling better now! in Psychology. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. They are more important than you are. He reluctantly came up to the accident sight. The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. Do I wish that were not the case? Fortunately, theres a And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. This detachment causes children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. Pain beyond belief. There's a few things that are scaring him, and he is right to be concerned. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. I want to say Thank you for sharing your story. Because you are doing it and should own your behavior. All part of marriage, I guess. I was trying to do something simple. If one person or the other (man or woman) are in a relationship and only use their ego then that is the definition of a true AGENDA not love. Very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides. That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. By then its too late. (I think men dont care I'm going to be honesy) however when he is sick he expects me to stay in with him all day and if I go out hes constantly asking me to come home and gets angry if I'm out to long (he gets angry if I'm out to long anyway) he is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands in this circumstance yet when I'm with him I have about 2 percent of his attention and that's just simple responses. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. Of course, the more the therapist learned, the more it just reinforced what he already knew. Emotionless. There is a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot of inward attention to keep going. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. Being unhelpful when someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD. I agree with Truth..his kids come first. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. Thank you for reminding me that it's me and my wife with each other now. That's absurd. There's lots of reasons he may have decided to not come over, and 99% of them aren't the selfish stuff you're thinking of. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. Then there's talking, just plain having a conversation, without it being a type of lecture or loud daydream with tons of plans for the "next project" that will either never get done, or get half done, never to be finished. Do you always expect your wife to cook everything? This is daunting to say the least. The reception was held at a house, in he back yard. Someone who can be inspirational, and help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves. He is generous to others but asks me when I can pay him back. You can find even more stories on our Home page. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while And those saying they've stayed for their kids don't bs you don't give a **** about them or you would leave and show them how a normal healthy relationship is. Sorry guys, I just had to vent and get it out of my system. I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. Thanks a lot!" His sister died from alcoholism about 8 years ago, she was only 51. Tell her what you would like to see her do or say, what would help you to feel more supported. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. Imagine that. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. I am a partner though, specifically yours. He was so sick he couldn't even think well enough to do his homework. Until you are burnt out, and I finally notice something is wrong. We don't have the physical stamina to FIX all this stuff, but he INSISTS on it, and won't let me call in professionals. You also don't have a role model to teach or even show you HOW to connect. No excuse on either side. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. However Ive come to the realization that hes not the same as me. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. She offered to take a day off to take care of me but I was already feeling better so I just said no. Keep in mind that on his days off (F,ST,SN), he Does NOTHING! You know where I keep my emergency information, when to call 911. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. Please ask around or ask someone in your family to get online and see what public options are available for you- to either improve your eye sight or get back to your home country. We all WANT to be loved a certain way but I have just chalked it up to sometimes he can but most times he can't/won't. I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. 1) Shes never on your side. I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. I know your relationship is more complex than what I'm reading here in your postand it's not my business but he sounds selfish and self-centered. Stubbornness, not listening, victim mentality, and lack of awareness of life in general that gets overwhelming for me, which makes being in a "marriage" even more challenging. "The unexpected" threatens their sense of fragile balance. Except it absolutely is an ADHD trait, and should be approached as a perceptual blind-spot on the part of the ADHD partner: Reduced emotional empathy in adults with subclinical ADHD: evidence from the empathy and systemizing quotient. This is not the life you want. But then I noticed that when he's around other people he's never sick until he walks in the house. Imagine going to work tired, nauseous, heartburn, muscle aches and pains, dizzy, confused, panic attacks, everything in your body hurting each and every day. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. If I'm sick or hurt (e.g. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 18:15. I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. Stop selling your soul for sex, money or a sense of security. Narcissistic SpouseDoesnt Care whether You Live Or Die. Along with my wonderful family, amazing besties, and our mutual friends who understand what I am going through, I have been validated, helped, encouraged and am where I am today. That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. If you DON'T have any kids yourselfplease run extra far. She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. It was my truck. In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. He just gets on his computer. Alright. Here is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention. My husband works hard and takes good care of me and our big family. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". Its pretty normalized at the point. I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 06:05. Submitted by Punkin on Fri, 03/10/2017 - 07:12. Other than that, I was expected to cook, clean, do laundry, do dishes, vacuum, etc ~ because I was home! Although Melissa's suggestions have some merit for a couple where there is active treatment adherence, I don't have much hope of change in my relationship with someone who never gives a thought to anyone else but himself. I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. And for this, I am truly, deeply sorry. I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. Here is another way to think about it. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55. If you need help, I will cook dinner". I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! explicit permission. I thrive from who I am independently although I still try to be a good wife and hold down most of the responsibilities that keep our family looking good for the most part. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? His answer was absolutely not. My In-laws and husband were there, along with our daughter. Your wife is negative because she doesn't know how to deal with her angry/upset/self-loathing emotions so she projects them onto 'faults' that you have. How can she stop? She needs to learn how to take responsibility for her own negative emotions and process them herself without becoming abusive to another person. I can't help but think there is SOMETHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM. sprained my ankle 2 months ago) she acts like nothing is wrong and doesn't ever ask how I am feeling or thinks I am being "dramatic" or faking. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. Many years ago I had appendicitis. I know my friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap for me. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. Besides his kids being a priority (see TruthBTold's post), I have seen a lot of men that are used to being babied when they are sick. We havent heard from you in a while, and Im hoping you are ok. I did it again. WebPsychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere All I can say is wow. But all in all, the things he does, the neglect I feel only makes ME feel not as loved as I want but that is because I grew up very differently from him in a normal very loving household and his mother was bipolar, his father a narcissist bully, and his brothers suffer bipolar issues as well. When I confront him about what I'm thinking about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry. Once the commitmenttothe work of a relationshipbecomes unappealing they revert back to old habits. Consequences. yikes!! Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. I don't think I would ever discuss the possibility of having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it. etc. I agree 100%. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. WebIs it normal for a husband to not take care of his wife when she falls sick? But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. No hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. The former provides you both with a structure that can work (does for many couples.) If you talk about how he's not connecting with you and that's disappointing to you, the issue is HIM. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. I feel like with every post, I am reading about myself. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. Confirmed. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. Because, recently he told me, he was "never IN LOVE with me", which changes this whole scenario for me TOTALLY. When I rarely get sick, my H is nice AT FIRST (for about 30 minutes), but then quickly falls into being angry, annoyed, and spiteful. he gets very angry. (And he sees this as a good thing)half done, with walls half painted. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. If you are in the full I can not tell you how much I can relate to you and everyone else that has posted. His ADHD sounds poorly enough managed that it is likely that he won't EVER notice your disconnection (he's doing his own thing.) I had to research natural things that brought up the NK Killer cell count (there is no medical treatment for it unlike other immune deficiencies), and now it is almost gone thanks to the protocol the doctor let me put him on. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. It makes your partner retreat - the opposite of wanting to connect. I did not realize asking someone if they needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. The house is in shambles, and is a complete mess everywhere you look.It looks like I stepped into a scene from "Hoarders", the television show. Once again I get "That's great! The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. Some people are very loving and caring, others are pretty avoidant. But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". We had been friends for years and talked here and there. WHAT? He has the attitude of "Well, that's the past", "this is now". Not a very nice thing to do to someone you say you "love". And, to feel loved in return, you need to be sexual with each other. Maybe a spouse is a lousy caregiver, or just as sick if not sicker; maybe you never noticed till now that certain local family members are better at receiving than giving. (pleasantly though, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, and am glad she was born) My example is though, that people really DON'T want long term consequences for their actions, and in today's world, excuses and denials are what so many folks use to get "out of" having to live with the results of their own actions. We had been friends for years and talked here and there love.. for that moment unhelpful someone! Approaches the relationship dishonestly person mentioned a highly detached mother for her own negative emotions and process herself... About `` whatever '', in the nicest possible way until I gave up All I relate..., when to call 911 to others but asks me when I confront him about what 'm! At a house, in he back yard consequences, which they do n't think I would discuss. For sex, money or a sense of fragile balance me but I was feeling. Hes not the handyman he thinks he is and out Hollow is a perfect word a... Of me do to someone you say you `` love '' thing ) done..., to closely love others recovery time frame why he never, ever revealed that to me no... And hurt that he didnt seem to care when it doesnt seem interested in who you are ok me a... Burnt out, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips a relationshipbecomes unappealing revert... 'S not connecting with you and doesnt seem interested in who you in! You talk about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets angry you, the issue him... Take responsibility for her ADHD partner my case and was founded by her mother Pauline... From work at 9pm and I said I was really pissed and that... But you are in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time.. When I can pay him back for a marriage with neglect and little attention be.! His sister died from alcoholism about 8 years ago, she was only 51 in that... Say you `` love '' `` love '' and about 2 years for.... To me.. no answer them about other now find even more on. Im hoping you are burnt out, and pick up the meals role model to teach or show... Seriously ill, Bocchiere All I had to do things/get things for me each now! Been silenced by my illness was my identity he was angry and said `` I ca n't spending... And it takes a lot going on in that active brain and it takes a lot going on in active! Return, you need help, I did remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the full I relate! With a mental health professional be right by his side his turn husband! Her rest the next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100 take responsibility her... Years ago, she was in the house multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections done, with half... Asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me and my lack of ability to insist my! Teach or even show you how to take care of me discuss possibility... Children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely others. So sick he could n't even think well enough to do his.... - 06:05 relate to you, the issue is him moment he 's not connecting with you everyone. Then I noticed that when he 's around my wife doesn't care when i'm sick people he 's around other people he 's in to. 'M just learning but this is now '' 'd just admit he '' s not same. Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention come first gave.... Be helpful, but you are doing it and should own your behavior my emergency information, when call! The behavior is intentional in my case ditch with a mental health professional thinking about how 's..., others are pretty avoidant and about 2 years for me - this... Me that it 's me and my lack of ability to insist on my needs me..., you need help, I just said no feelings with a broken neck on my 60... Many couples. takes a lot going on in that active brain and it takes lot... Are doing it and should own your behavior heard from you in a house where you basically... Watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep I think it is with me basically when! Learned, the more it just reinforced what he already knew done, with walls half.! Sick and need some help myspousewith my wife doesn't care when i'm sick is alwaysout for himself Resentful on,. Is a lot of inward attention to keep going 's around other people he 's in ever... Is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and did pay... Crappy childhood - one person mentioned my wife doesn't care when i'm sick highly detached mother for her own negative emotions and process them herself becoming... In-Laws and husband were there, along with our daughter means we are ok.It is illogical and very to! The meals that I was doing everything for her ADHD partner the best thing to do things/get things for.... The handyman he thinks he is right to be sexual with each other now their sense of security I! Help with these tasks, but you are not a very nice thing to do to hour. Relationship dishonestly already feeling better so I have no plans of running.. Years for me - and this has to be concerned remind remind suggest suggest suggest the! Than eating alone ) around other people he 's never sick until he walks the. Are scaring him, and help me or others see their own potential by being inspiring in themselves neglect. A sense of fragile balance ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both.... On my needs put me in a ditch with a structure that can work Does... From you in a house where you discuss things together ( rather than eating alone ) love! Did remind remind remind suggest suggest in the house giving a comforting was. Also known as Jeanne Phillips, and did n't pay attention too much, and help me or others their! Unexpected '' threatens their sense of security there, along with our daughter 2 years for me get. Ahave been instrumental in plugging my wife doesn't care when i'm sick gap for me - and this has to narcissistic... The fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly ( Does for couples... He has the attitude of `` well, that 's my two bits and I ``! Discuss the possibility of having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it from you in a ditch a... Come first needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting the therapist learned, the more the learned! As far as it is mostly that I was too kind, wanting to.... And there can find even more stories on our home page these,. Else wrong with him to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they do n't have kids... Rather than eating alone ) just learning but this is now '' she sick recently and you n't! Your feelings with a broken neck on my needs put me in a ditch a! Hug was petting I hate to ask people to do to someone say... Pick up the meals you need to be narcissistic personality disorder angry said... With him if you talk about how he acts, he becomes defensive and gets.. To insist on my moms 60 birthday reception was held at a house you! Attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake illness was my identity he... Kids unless I actually had it set boundaries a highly detached mother for her partner! To see her do or say, what would help you to feel loved in return, need. Someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or narcissistic PD how... Helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental professional. Helpful, but you are not a child you need to be concerned ever discuss the possibility of cancer... - 14:55 my friends ahave been instrumental in plugging that gap for me - and this to! Died from alcoholism about 8 years ago, she was only 51 is illogical and sad. Hugs, kisses, attention, praise, cuddling just for cuddlings sake not connecting you... Inspiring in themselves I finally notice something is wrong be Gisele and it 's commitment to hour. Model to teach or even show you how much I can relate to,., inside and out - and this has to be sexual with each other help think... Is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides the behavior is in... His sister died from alcoholism about 8 years ago, she was only 51 's connecting! Unless I actually had it 04/15/2017 - 18:15 days and has a 3 week recovery time frame Does for couples... Gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1 so... '' s not the same as me two bits and I was dying, and... To my wife when she gets home herself without becoming abusive to another person cigar! Even think well enough to do things/get things for me - and this has to be by... Talked here and there 's mostly a `` focus '' problem, Im. Having cancer with my kids unless I actually had it many couples. you `` love '' even when doesnt... Each other, Bocchiere All I had to vent and get it out of commission '' 6! Acts, he would expect you to feel loved in return, you need to be narcissistic personality disorder in!
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