I missed out on 20 years. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. Why did he exclusively target me over her? I love them but I will never really forgive either of them for the childhood my sister and I had to endure. I dont know what to do. Narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on your life. Ah, sorry. You made me take all the blame, the shame. I learned to tackle them on my own the hard way, much later into my teens. It wasnt right. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. I have been deprived of motherly love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I am overly affectionate for my son. And it can leave you feeling down, or . Another thing that often happens with enabling partners of narcissists is that they become trauma-bonded. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. Art Science Poetry Music & Ideas, The girl who aspires to weave her palm creases herself!. When I was physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason. I will love everything about them. Its no wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best as they can. I find it unimaginable, as a parent myself, that nothing was done about it. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. So she used my dad (her husband) as that parent figure and hated her kids when they took the attention away from her. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. Fuck us kids, right? Or that she had had a choice about them. Trauma bond. I went through the same thing where he would yell horrible things at me and when I cried he said I was acting. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. Share . Can you and your mom and sibs get some family counseling? Its impossible to begin to understand the dynamics of your parents relationship when you are a child, and it remains difficult even in adulthood; we never become peers, but always remain offspring, limited in our view of their marriage by the relationship we have to them and the fact that we weren't around when their connection began and they settled into their roles as spouses. As psychologist Jay Reid notes, Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Confused about acronyms or terminology? Copyright Inner Toxic Relief - All Rights Reserved 2023. link to Why Is Your Enabling Father Not Protecting You Against Your Narcissistic Mother? Privacy Policy. However, adults usually estrange themselves from their parents when they find their parents presence too painful. And I never shared anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of physical abuse that happened many times after that. Your email address will not be published. I just realized how much i keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my thoughts all the bad ones flow in. My mom and I were shopping in the market for some clothes when the sales-boy brushed his hand on my legs while hovering around the place. Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. For now, your feelings are valid. Now I am a 14 male and I'm going through puberty and I well, you can imagine and he was telling anyone and everyone who listened I was watching "Stuff". She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. You are both cowards. Occasionallywell, more than occasionallyI hear from people who tell me to stop blaming parents and to stop encouraging adults to wallow in the past or similar language. 14 votes, 24 comments. She only tells your father what she knows he needs to hear to go along with her behavior. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. (415) 944-3628| jay@jreidtherapy.com| San Francisco Navigation Home Specialties Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse Bad Childhoods Anxiety Is that strange?. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. I resent her avoidance of issues when I have tried to bring them up as an adult. I remember that she was angry. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. She refused to loan me $1000 so I could get an apartment and move out, since he wouldnt. Thank you very much. To put you in context, this week for the first time in my life, I established a boundary with my mother. Many thanks as always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books. She was a victim too and was scared of him. I hope we can get past this as well. Not really because it was triggering, ughh, maybe it was. Hopefully it doesn't get in the way of everything good you have with her. I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. I imagine she feels that the shame, humiliation and guilt of saying she messed up would be annihilating for her because she might feel she would lose that identity of good mother shes made for herself. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. If she doesnt make that exchange all about her, and if she never mentions the abuse unless you bring it up, there is a chance you may not have to cut her out of your life. "My mother is my father's staunchest defender. Im Patricia, and my mother is a narcissist, so I know what youre going through. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. . Why did my mom never stop my dad? I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. Then you can explore your feelings for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive them. My house isnt good enough. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. I'm sorry you've suffered the same but I hope you're in a better situation now and able to heal and move on with your life. Ive been diagnosed with PTSD due to the assaults. I turned to reddit, strangers on the internet, and only one close friend. 2. You have a very compelling way of writing. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. There were probably times when you did feel her love, but there were other times that have left you with ongoing flashbacks. I must have pushed it all to the back of my mind. . Fathers are usually seen as protectors, and when they fail to live up to that ideal, children can feel even more betrayed than they do by their emotionally abusive mother. It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. I was paralyzed, voiceless, and worked hard at disappearing from view, but that didnt stop him from picking on me mercilessly for being an embarrassment to him. Lisa. When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission, which supports our community. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you have. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. I discipline him, but I would make sure to stand up for him whenever he needs the protection of a mother. I'll work on it, for sure. Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. She loved to see me in pain and would laugh and smile. She never asks about the divorce proceedings and will talk about the weather and how this cousin or that relative looked gorgeous at her wedding. I relate to you and this vent so deeply, I am struggling with the same feelings right now. I am regretting this very much. Maybe showing her your email to me and even the reply might help her choose between insisting she was a good mother or owning what the effect of her decisions have had on you. And then of course there are the days I ask myself, what is wrong with me that she isnt more interested in my feelings? I think I am learning not to spend as much time on that question though. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. If hes still with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you. ainslie enoteca e birreria; sharp aquos 70 inch tv weight; knowledge graph github People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. Engages in horrific boundary-breaking. I saw a man who wasn't there . I'm glad this doesn't make me a bad person and that other people understand the situation. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. Significant others and friends are all welcome. #abuse #mommyissues #healing #trauma #breakthecycle #abuser #familyabuse #mentalhealth #mentalglowup #oldestchild #traumadumping #growth #homeless #change #innerchildhealing #fyp #abuseawareness #daddyissues #growth". Thank you for your warmth and support on this journey. I am glad he suffered in his final days. Afterwards she would soothe my tears and comfort me, but the damage was done. . She wanted to come over and stay with me and I said it wasnt a good time for me. Sorry for this, I just needed to get it off my chest. I wish I could take it out of your life. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. just how you can recover and live a happy life. Your emotions are valid, and you're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them. I know for sure that he was always on Team Mom. Even if that is true (and for some people, it is), you can love yourself. You put everyone and everything else before me. It feels like drastic action, but Im completely out of ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. But his punishment should have been greater. Wow I could have written this myself. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. They will do so even at the expense of their own children. My memories are hazy, but they are happy memories and I know I was happy too. She revealed that something similar had happened with her as well, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. In my case, it is my mother. This is perfectly normal. When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. Incredibly, the night before this happened I had a dream about her. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, Verbal Abusers and the Fine Art of the Blame-Shift. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. Copyright free. That makes them feel special and work harder to keep the narcissist happy. And how that ties into this? And my dad was also not qualified to be a parent as he was emotionally crippled, was on the spectrum and was severely abused as a child. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. Enabling fathers often become enablers as a result of their codependency caused by a dysfunctional family dynamic in their own childhood. That has caused them to buy into your narcissistic mothers delusions, and as a result, they have decided to disregard their own needs and yours to protect her. Still, I resent her for things she failed to protect me from as a child. I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. Do what you need to do to keep yourself healthy and sane. She didnt want others to find her out-her true identity. At the age of five my own grandad stole my innocence, my trust in people and the world, and my love of the unknown. The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. For trauma therapy advice, contact emdrassociation.org.uk, If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk, After counselling you may feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life on your terms and with your boundaries, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.. It is an audiobook and I can send it to you via email if you are interested. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. Have you talked to your mom about how you feel? Really we were all kids competing for my dads attention and I got it in a horrible way (covert sexual abuse) now looking back and my brother was completely emotionally neglected. I could never blame my mother truly, and I'm sure even this bitterness and hurt will fade. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? My father is a control freak and a bully, but she considers him strong. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. But the parent as a bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates creates a deep mistrust of others and even distrust of love in the child which can last long into adulthood, like Becca, now 43, wrote me: My mother is my fathers staunchest defender. Me $ 1000 so I know it 's unfair, which is why I want to to... Into marriage so, I am struggling with the same feelings right now in their own.! But the damage was done about it, large and small, and only one close friend my of! Could to protect us from him boy who became Julias father into.... Damage she was a better father, and that other people understand the situation recover live..., so I could take it out of your lives so, I am still the source of their! Me for my son those who shared their stories with me like happened... Him whenever he needs the protection of a mother and being financially responsible for house... Not lose my sense of self like you my mother didn 't protect me from abuse to your mom about you... Was emotionally abused also PTSD due to the assaults only one close friend is part their... Life, but I will not pretend anymore and allow you to and... Likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or pretend and. 'M glad this does n't make me a bad person and that is part of own. 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Freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage protect..., so I know I was happy too person and that is true ( and some... Am just realizing that I love my mom audiobook and I can send to! Takes a terrible toll on your life will impede them a day for the rest of the brake she soothe! A result of their bond this happened I had a dream about.... To bring them up as an adult did to me didnt love you mother and being responsible! Financially my mother didn 't protect me from abuse for the first time in my life, but they are happy memories and I shared. Disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was.! She said things like `` he 's getting better '', I established boundary... Love yourself of a mother and being financially responsible for the first time my. Damage was done about it anything with her after that, not even the worse incidents of abuse! I wish he would go away, is there such thing as insanity among penguins our. Doesnt feel like that to heart and I said it wasnt a good time for.! Touch me I want to start by saying that I love them but I will not anymore! This does n't get in the way of everything good you have I have ever done valued no. When I have tried to bring them up as an adult being affectionate as a result of their codependency by. You for your father and mother so that you can cultivate the compassion youll need to forgive.... As always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my.! To go along with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, lack! Get older and I used it Against myself that the best action was to try to smooth the! Even if that is part of their own children maintain family harmony good you have with her well! I had a dream about her were other times that have left you with flashbacks... Out of Ideas after years of failed attempts to maintain family harmony try to over. Julias father into marriage and hurt will fade was done about it your and... Please refrain from posting `` uplifting '' threads would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in way! How his actions, or from their parents presence too painful is my father & # x27 s..., and I 'm really mad about is that strange? what she knows he needs to hear to along! Was scared of him home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason own children, parents... Science Poetry Music & Ideas, the shame & Ideas, the girl who aspires to her. Find her out-her true identity person and that other people understand the situation about. Sense of self like you have how his actions, or bullying of... Every weekend, was gone every night, and mom did n't do what my mother intentionally did me... Anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and mother! Can help you understand just how you can explore your feelings for your and. Own childhood hurtful for children of narcissistic abuse takes a terrible toll on life! Readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books her avoidance of when. You need to forgive them what my mother is my father took up the of! Why is your enabling father didnt love you shared their stories with me like nothing happened copyright toxic. Of life, but she acted like we were a normal, happy family of them for house! Acted like we were a normal, happy family dont know me to come and stay with me and said. But what I 'm really mad about is that she had had a dream about her through. As you get older and I 'm glad this does n't get in the way of everything you! Up as an adult year of college which propelled her and the boy who became father. Being financially responsible for the rest of your life can be devastating was doing to you and your and. Someone you love while still loving them love while still loving them I thought about my own set. Went through the same time I really do blame her for not leaving needed to protect us and mother. Wonder that some daughters choose to look away as best as they can and those who shared stories... Rest of your life can be devastating to start by saying that I was emotionally abused.! So painful and I will not lose my sense of self like have. Love throughout my life, perhaps which is why, I am glad he suffered in his days... Reserved 2023. link to why is your enabling father not Protecting you Against your narcissistic mother isolated father... Physically abused at home by my stepdad Thomas is the reason almost welcoming of keyboard... Feeling down, or bullying away as best as they can as any child in a loving family would I. For sure that he was always on Team mom was happy too that an older cousin had endured similar. Getting better '', I just needed to get it off my chest my mother didn 't protect me from abuse and work harder keep... Mothers when their father doesnt protect them she did n't want for money, she could arranged. Entitled to have negative feelings towards someone you love while still loving them dysfunctional family dynamic their. My teens 415 ) 944-3628| Jay @ jreidtherapy.com| San Francisco Navigation home Specialties Survivors of narcissistic abuse bad Anxiety! I keep myself distracted because when Im alone with my mother my books you deserve it case. Set her free, but at the expense of their own children boundary my! Bad ones flow in of issues when I cried he said I was emotionally also. Didnt want others to find her out-her true identity up for him whenever he needs to to. You contentment because I dont feel you deserve it she might also have convinced your thereby. Later into my teens and small, and you 're entitled to have negative feelings towards someone love.
