You felt like your partner was sabotaging and gaslighting you, embarrassing you on purpose in front of your friends and family. Since an NT doesn't understand what an effort we've been making, they're liable to think us cold when we stop trying so hard. The support i gave my aspie boyfriend was at detriment to my own mental health. Especially if they use defence measures to cope with being hurt. How can he just shut off after being so intimate. I understand its a disability and for that I will always make compromise because it is my choice to be with him. I watched videos. But what we can do, is be authentic and build a meaningful life. People with Aspergers . The first time he did not speak, email, text or call me for 1 month. After 30 years what Ive noticed with my aspie husband is that hes only gotten worse and in fact at midlife he had a major crisis and left me. You cant carry on like this or you will get terribly sick. So I told them to leave. Your depression and anxiety were all-but-cured. These people are incapable of commiting to a normal relationship. I said from day 1 I cant deal with kids and now on top of it those with special needs and a husband who acts the same. Thank you for all these comments. I cant even begin to express how hard its been. When I asked him why he did all of it he says because he was horny and we always overthink. She said no, and later that day asked me why I asked. Whatever the reason, the aspie change resistance kicks in. I never said a word or even complained. He has left us for the second time and has discarded me ( as have his family ) after 25 years and 4 children . So has the recent proliferation of Web sites and forums where self-described Aspies, or Aspergians, trade dating tips and sometimes findnbsp Family dating and ensure archived dating pubs enjoy up for great processes of other world in timber. I started to read a lot about it, especially when I was down and needed an explanation for how he treated me. You are walking a tightrope. Similarly, manipulative behaviour can often come across as simply "needy". But since he got a new job and everything start messy up. Ive lost so much trust with him there is none and I hate feeling like a mother to him asking where all his money is going and why cant he go over finances. I want to stay healthy this time around. Im 56 now and I shouted last night after trying calmly to sort a small misunderstanding out. She explained that she did not have romantic feelings for me. Note Im a very social person. Im always angry snd acting out , so Im the problem and believe I have failed miserably. How can I sleep with someone and move forward with no feedback? Its all about Them. Yes, many of our Aspies have severe anxiety, and some cross wiring that makes it difficult for them to feel and talk at the same time. Im Brazilian. What is hard to understand is we have good times. well my happiness only lasted 2 months after we had a great night, dinner movie, wine we even joked around. Please take care. I have been discarded by NT and ASD alike. Look after You. Details please. I wasnt aware of the condition, but did my slight bit of research. This is july 21st. I completely understand you. He does it in response to me getting angry and yelling at him. You tried to suggest therapy, but they accused you of gaslighting and more emotional abuse. You seem like remarkable people who deserve love and attention and effort from anyone you chose to love. I am currently in a loving relationship with a NT, I'm AS, we recently moved in together, and this couldn't be more true of the first three months of living together. Alexios Zavras: No talking. This is one of the biggest reasons. Thank you so much. I'll discuss anything, and when I know change is coming, I'll get into gear for it. My passions are in social justice, diversity, inclusion, literature, science, and disability rights. They will never meet your needs, so you have to create your own happy life for yourself and forget about them! But, I fell in love Most honest man you could meet. The oppression of living with a loved one on the Spectrum is severe. I am 35. Its a long story, but yes,I did hurt him unintentionally. Dont give up on either of you, but never put up with the abuse. Where before you could do no wrong, now you began to feel that you could do no right. I must have broken up with him at least ten times and thought about it even more. I often am scared that I am moving forward and he is just standing still enjoying the company ut not really growing with me. I'll post references on my own blog soon enough of where you can find out more. We know that many problems cannot be fixed. 8. Each is shaped by their background, their upbringing, their beliefs and their local customs. (My state of mind/my freedom/my self worth). Nevertheless it feels like abuse doesnt it? I think its his way of protecting himself and I think hes worried about saying the wrong thing. We have members from around the world meeting online in intimate video conferences guided by Dr. Kathy Marshack. In your formative years, you do very little time management and it's usually your parents who set alarms and cajole you out of bed, harass you into getting dressed, slog through the breakfast routine, push you into the car and drop you off at school. He said he would call me if and when he could be friends. Why do you always ask how I feel? The problem is we are living in a middle east country and I dont think the specialists here are good enough to detect anything like that especially given that my husbands masking abilities are highly advanced and he is a perfect convincer. I fell into a deep pit..still there. I have been in a relationship for 10 months with someone with Aspergers. I usually back off because I find that as people get to know me, they try to "fix" me. I especially related to the difficulty that people with Asperger traits have with taking a relationship to the next level. He is very close with his family and I found out yesterday that he had spent the last 3 weeks across the country with his family. He cant lie very well. Just exhausted. He's made his decision to leave because he can't express his needs and I don't read minds. He on the other hand after giving me years of the silent treatment, treating me with contempt on and off, mainly off, mood swings, temper tantrums, has found his newly setup business has thrived in lockdown and rented himself a beautiful house and moved all his stuff out and ended our relationship saying we would be both better off with someone else! He is an extraordinarily private person and compliments make him really uncomfortable especially about his numerous achievements. Offer help and tell that person you are there for them, etc. He just isnt feeling great. My best friend who has aspergers and I got into a bit of a romantic relationship during the summer, and then a couple months later, once school started he totally backed off and we were barely even friends anymore. I agree and I thought the same thing when I read that post. As a matter of fact some people(not just Aspies its a general psychological problem that can happen to anyone) deal with that kind of abuse by actually trying to make sure no one likes them so they can stay in their comfort zone. I was struggling mentally, but my love for this crazy unique guy kept me there.. You cant just teach each other about your own differences if you dont know in what ways youre different or what those differences mean. I am not sure what you are referring to. I was in a relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie. You felt so intensely, youd give your life to prove to your partner their worth. Before, they loved everything that made you different, but now they were trying to change how you dressed and even control how you behaved in social situations. I don't expect him to provide for me or anything like that, I have always been good with money so I have a lot saved up for when I go back to school, but he spends every cent on video games and nonsense. And sometimes he will shut down and while being silent send a news article to me about something funny or relating to my likes. (Part 1) One of the most. I ve read so much on how to try and understand Aspergers and to make our marriage last. Ie; do you consider us together at the moment. The stay-at-home mom of two teen boys in Connecticut says life with her husband, Rob, a successful computer engineer with Asperger's syndrome, is "like riding a roller coaster 24/7 without . He was and still is in strong denial. Doesnt ask how Im feeling. I have gotten to know a girl with Autism but what would be called Aspergers a couple of years ago. You cannot meet them. And often in online support groups of women only, I cant relate to topics such as physical abuse or outraged/angry approaches. I think its either because they had one parent not on the spectrum or parents who did not teach by example these behaviors and held them to higher standards. Whatever the reason, the aspie change resistance kicks in. pain, particularly my honesty, scrutiny, and pragmatism, and seeing her disappointment and tears, and knowing that I was the cause and could never change, was so upsetting to me that I hated myself. I loved her and wanted her to be happy so I tried constantly to pay attention to my thoughts, processing what was good to say, and which matching expressions to make. Be grateful that you have the stamina to do so. I too have been dating an undiagnosed aspie Male for the last 2 years. The focus was much deeper than on the superficial. Filled with assessments and exercises for both you and your partner, this book will help you forge a deeper, more fulfilling . Or she would help him learn some Rules of Engagement. Aspies can be taken advantage of by sociopaths. I need him to be evaluated desperately indeed before I lose my sanity. Thats why Mark Zuckerberg made a fortune with Facebook. But, a person with cancer has millions of resources that are helpful to understand cancer and what it means and future options. I never thought about aspergers until I saw him dance, he would flap his hands around and it reminded me of autism. My crimes are just a function of his way of thinking combined with his paper thin skin. I really want to just run away but he says he's suicidal and I'm so stressed out that I'm physically sick frequently. They can still learn to be better people, just like everyone else. I feel ripped off because I never got a chance to make things right with him. I was a nervous mess. ) 19 yrs. Got defensive over nothing. Poor emotional communication. We dated again because I contacted him. He started something hes never done before, these weird, business-y emails to discuss logistics. My ASD gf broke up with saying i have been stressful to her. She and her son moved in, and it's been a rollercoaster. I should have given up and left. I have in other comments recently identified as having self-recognized (male) Aspie characteristics (and online tests I've seem to lean heavily in that direction). 6. The term for this behavior is hoovering, derived from the famous Hoover vacuum, because when you're finally free of the abusive relationship, they can suck you back in.But be prepared for a bait-and-switch maneuver. Once I gave them an attitude and they tried to tone police me, although they were just talking to me like that too. You have no idea what that entails, you will regret it, and should only blame yourself when you dont like the outcome. I cant help but see the man I love trapped in there deep inside, and the two of us have such a deep bond. Take care. You felt like you were with Dr. Jekyll and Mr(s). I hear your pain and share your feelings of devastation. Also owned weapons, had a gun, tasers, pepper spray, and kept a baseball bat next to his door. Look in the mirror and adsk You if you are happyx. At first my anxiety and insecurity went through the roof, two months later I am still suffering with anxiety but not as bad, but now feel so much anger and hate of this selfish narcissistic man, who had no though for me what so ever. Nevertheless, I'll try to point out some possibilities. That helped. My husband worshipped me. I had this for 12 years it is hell, she was oblivious to the pain she was causing and thought it totally acceptable not to talk to me for weeks and sometimes months. However, the acting gets draining, fuel runs out, and traits shine through. She is really competent on the social behavior and I forgot her diagnoses often. Its not just that you love him, but you have free will to decide what you want. YOUR HEAD. More often than not, it's my partner who resists the change. When my partner abuses me, I clearly state that I do not take responsibility for his behaviour. I also agree that it is not a relationship for the feint or heart. I dont know whether this is the end?! He has no friends and only has me. As we know, aspies are not the world's best communicators and half of the time they'll be completely unaware that the problem is change resistance. I soon found we didnt have anything to talk about. I have a friend and over the corse of just a few months we became very close. We chatted everyday for more than a month and talked on the phone for hours on end a couple of times a week. 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